I will remember you always, no matter what...

In my previous entry, I wrote that I received the best anniversary gift that I could ever hope for. It was actually I'm being pregnant for the second time. It was so unexpected as I had some late period episodes before.

So, in March, when my period was late, I bought the cheapest pregnancy test. Why the cheapest? This was because I always spend my money buying these stuffs but never get positive result.

I did the test after got back from work and to my surprise, I got 2 pink lines. I was so happy that I cried in the bathroom. It was 2 clear lines, not like when I was pregnant with Eya. Just to confirm that I really am pregnant, I decided to visit my obgyn. He scanned but it cannot be seen as I was only 4 weeks at that time. He did a urine test and confirmed that I was really pregnant. He informed me that my EDD will be on the 30th Dec 2009.

I straight canceled my Bangkok trip and decided to sell or change the tickets. I bought material for my pregnant shirt to be worn during Hari raya. I even think of names for the baby, a girl and a boy's name.

I was really happy and keep counting the days. I even registered again at the BabyCenter website for this second pregnancy. I was so happy.

Then, on Monday,11th May, around 11.30 am, I felt like I was having a lot of discharge. When I checked on it, it was bleeding. Not reddish, just pinkish but it filled up the whole pantyliner. I cried and called both hubby and mom. I didn't know whether it still can be saved or not, but I really want it to be safe.

I decided to visit my gynae. He scanned the fetus and it has a small pulsation, which mean it still alive. However, my condition is called threaten miscarriage, which later I might miscarried the baby. He gave me a few progestoren pills and I was injected with some progesterone hormone. I will have another scan the next week.

During the whole week, before the checkup, I was bedrest and just hoping for the best. I had some brown spotting on Saturday, which worried me a little bit.

Monday came and we went to have the checkup. The doctor scanned the baby and could not see anything. He told me he was not happy as at 8 weeks the baby should have grown and clearly to be seen in an u/s scan. So, he ordered me to have a detailed scan at the radiology.

The wait to be scanned was hell. I had to drink couples of litres of water and vomited afterwards. Although I was not a radiologist, I could see the fetus have no heartbeat. I was sad but I have prepared myself for this situation.

So, the next day, he informed me that I had to undergo a DnC procedure. At this time, I was terribly sad but I could not shed any tears. I just think that I'm lucky to have Eya. If this was the first baby, I would crack so much.

The procedure was okay but when I was awake, I was crying. Maybe, it was my subconcious mind. The fetus was given to me and hubby decided to bury it at the surau near mom's home.

Really, I am sad that I lost my second baby but everything happens for a reason. I will still remember my baby always and love it no matter what. The baby will always be in my heart and mind. The baby will always be my second child.